March 2011
2 posts
3 tags
And Yet I Regret Nothing
Did your mother ever tell you that one day you would have a child that acted just like you? That it would be the universe’s way of paying you back for being a little shit all through adolescence and beyond? Mine did. And now that I’m approaching an age where it wouldn’t be completely irresponsible for me to summon up a little parasite of my very own, I’ve started to worry...
1 tag
If You're Still Paying Attention...
….Thanks. You rock.
I’ve been completely slack on updating lately, for a number of reasons. Namely:
Things have picked up at work and I’ve had less time to peruse the internet for pay
I have a shiny, new boyfriend that occupies the vast majority of my attention
It was nice outside and I wanted to chill out and drink a beer
But fear not, I haven’t completely abandoned...
February 2011
15 posts
3 tags
Weekly Rundown
It’s Friday afternoon and I’m knee deep in margaritas and cabana boys. They’re pretty cute but, quite frankly, not much for conversation. I suppose I’ll make do. Let’s take a look at what’s been going on this past week, shall we?
The House voted to defund Planned Parenthood. Way to go asshats. Let’s start denying sex education in hopes that people...
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Attention Awesome People
Alright kids. I’ve been under fluorescent lighting all day, my brain is trying to make an escape, and work is piling up at my desk. I’m going to go ahead and put a call to action out there.
I need your stories. Best dates, worst dates, humorous anecdotes, something you’ve noticed about society that irritates the hell out of you. Find that little submit button at the top of...
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Puppy Love
I often hear women around me lamenting the fact that they don’t currently have a boyfriend. And while it’s certainly natural to miss having a guy around who can carry the groceries to your two story walk-up while you sip a margarita, I don’t think anyone should have to settle for some random loser simply because they’re lonely.
Personally, when I have the urge to snuggle...
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Love or Lust?
Sorry for the delay in posting. I was on a Four Loko and coke binge that could rival a weekend at Charlie Sheen’s porn haven. In fact, I’m pretty sure I was somewhere around Barstow when the drugs began to take hold….
Oh wait. That never happened. It was actually time for quarterly reviews at work and I was busy trying to look productive. Anywho, I’m back...
1 tag
Update: I am not dead.
Posts will resume as usual on Monday. You may now return to your regularly scheduled martini.
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How To: Spend Valentine's Day
If you’re single:
Go on a girl date. Get your friends together and go through the motions of an actual date without the pesky assumption that you have to put out at the end of the night.
Gorge yourself on chocolates. Any day that gives you an excuse to eat copious amounts of chocolate should be a day to celebrate, regardless of who you’re with. So go ahead and dig into...
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Weekly Rundown
Is it just me or has this week seemed way longer than usual?
Mubarak has stepped down as President of Egypt. Gotta admit, it’s been kind of awesome watching the impact that social media has had on aiding the rebellion. (ABC News)
There’s a collection taking place to raise funds for a Robocop statue in Detroit. This needs to happen immediately. (Detroit...
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Cheaters Suck
So I got a text from Thumbelina today telling me about a friend of hers who is causing quite a bit of turmoil on the dating front by simultaneously sleeping with several people while also trying to snag Thumbelina’s new boyfriend.
Now I have absolutely no issues with what people choose to do with their fun parts in their spare time. If you want to sleep with two guys, three...
3 tags
Send Help
I’m currently buried under 37 feet of snow.
Okay, not literally. Seriously though, all of this cold weather and gross, gray slush is starting to wear me down. The only joy in my day currently comes from burrowing under the covers with a refreshing vodka and soda accompanied by backlogged shows on my DVR. This is no way to live, people. Summer needs to show up...
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Channeling the Douchebag
In order to see the world through someone else’s eyes (and to assist the women folk of the world) I’m going to attempt to channel the thought process of a real life douchecanoe. Here goes….
Dear Chicks,
I’m that guy. The one you have certainly met countless times, and probably “dated” at least once.
I’m tall and tan and spend all of my spare time...
3 tags
Need Coffee Now
Fact: I attended a Super Bowl party last night in my home town, drank a lot of beer, and then got up at 4 am in order to drive 3 hours back to my current city so that I would make it to work on time.
Fact: I’m too tired to cook a microwavable burrito, let alone write anything beyond “Boooooo.”
Fact: When a snake is born with two heads, they fight each...
4 tags
Weekly Rundown
Well kids, we’ve come to the end of another painfully long week. Let’s have a look at what happened while we were chained to our desks (or cash registers, or fork lifts, or jet skis) …
The Super Bowl is this weekend. I don’t particularly care for either team involved, but I’ll totally show up for the free food and...
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How To: Spot a Loser
Let’s face it, most of the time spotting a loser is cake. Sometimes though, one of these little life failures will manage to weasel his way into your world and root himself there like some kind of parasitic douche tick. So if you recognize any or all of the following characteristics in your man, grab a match and light the bloodsucker on fire....
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Surviving Snowpocalypse 2011
If you’re located anywhere on the Eastern side of the US, you’re probably under about two feet of ice and snow with state issued advisories to avoid all forms of transportation. The positive? Grown up snow day! Here’s some ideas to keep you entertained…
Make a snowman. Get creative with the carrot placement.
Two words: Drunk. Sledding.
Crank up the heat, fill a...
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An Ode to Good Friends
Good men are hard to find. Good friends are even harder. Fortunately, most of us have at least one or two people in our lives that we can count on in any given situation. Here’s to the friends that:
Will back you in a fight. Even though it’s your own smart mouth that got you into trouble and even though you probably deserve to be punched in the face.
Will repeatedly tell...
January 2011
19 posts
4 tags
Somebody's Got a Case of the Mondays
Ahh Monday. I hate you more and more every time you show up and put a stop to the awesomeness that is the weekend. Speaking of the weekend, mine consisted of a solid 48 hour rotation of tequila shots, food, and naps with two of my favorite people. Naturally this led to some random, but clearly poignant, one liners and subsequent Facebook status updates. Some of the finer moments...
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Weekly Rundown
Soooo….
Your favorite Girl Scout cookies may be disappearing Tagalongs and Thin Mints live on so, fortunately, I won’t have to cut a bitch. (WSJ)
Kristin Stewart is a front runner for the title role in the upcoming Snow White No offense to K Stew, but I don’t remember Snow White being a pouty teenager who bit her lip a lot. (The Frisky)
Lady Gaga...
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My Headache Makes Me Hate You
I have a headache today, so naturally everything is pissing me off. A list…
Pandora keeps playing effing Taylor Swift. I am not 12 years old, Pandora, and White Stripes radio should not consist of bitchy songs about girls in short skirts or t shirts or what-the-hell-ever.
People can’t drive for shit. The left turn lane is not for slowly cruising in whilst eating your Big Mac....
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My Version of a Fairytale Wedding
You know those little girls that obsess over Cinderella and dream of one day having a giant wedding filled with poofy dresses, big hair, and lots of glitter? Yeah, I’m not one of them. The idea of marriage terrifies me more than feeding a gremlin after midnight (shut up that movie rules) and I’d be hard pressed to walk down the aisle...
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Men are from Mars. Women are from the Opposite of...
In case you hadn’t noticed, guys and girls are kind of different. We look different, we talk different, we’re proud owners of different fun parts. But perhaps the biggest difference between men and women is how we approach relationships.
Phone calls and crazy bitches It’s incredibly rare to find a guy who calls you of his own free will on a daily basis. At least...
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How To: Go Out for One Drink and Stay for Ten
You know those nights where you’re kind of tired but your friends really want to go out and get hammered? The kind of night where it would be so nice to just throw on some sweats and watch a movie, but you know you’ll catch hell for it if you don’t show up? Yeah. It goes something like this.
7:00 pm – Receive text from friend stating that everyone you have ever met is meeting at...
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Sometimes Boys Shouldn't Have Phones
Thumbelina received this text from a guy she hung out with one time.
Guy: So do you just wanna fuck? I just want to fuck really quick. No kissing. Just a nice bang.
Thumbelina: Seriously? No.
Guy: K just askin.
Why would any man think this would be effective?
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Decisions are Hard so I Will Not be Making One
I think the universe is playing a nasty little trick on me. Granted, I’ve been attempting to improve my karma a bit lately, but this just seems too good to be true. Not only did I meet one awesome guy, I met two. TWO. Figuring I’d be able to weed out the loser after a quick face-to-face comparison (I’ve been talking with both over the phone for about a month), I went on a date with each of them...
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5 Reasons Guys DON'T Suck
Depending on your ability to, you know, read and stuff, you may have noticed that I hold a certain amount of disdain for guys who act like idiots. And while the vast majority of men that I meet end up being official card carrying douches, there are always a few exceptions to the rule. When I come across one of these incredibly rare specimens, I’m...
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Weekly Rundown
Along with every other woman in Hollywood, Kate Hudson is pregnant. This is one trend I will actively be avoiding. (Socialite Life)
Britney Spears has released her latest song. I think it kind of sucks. Or really sucks a lot. (The Frisky)
Rooney Mara cut off her hair and pierced her face to play Lisbeth Salander. Everybody’s bitching about how awful the American remake will be, but...
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6 Types of Guys that Suck
You know what I realized today? And by realized today, I mean, known my whole life? There are a whole lot of sucky guys out there. In fact, I’d be willing to bet that for every decent man in the world there are approximately 137 shitty ones just waiting to ruin your day. And while I fully acknowledge that there are some legitimately awful women out there too, I don’t have to date...
1 tag
NyQuil is a Bitch
I have lots of stuff to talk about but I’m all hopped up on cold medicine and my brain is having a sad. Considering that there’s a 96 and a half percent chance that if I write something now it’s going to involve hallucinations of demon Care Bears attacking me in my sleep, I’ll save you the time. I’m hoping to post something relatively coherent tomorrow....
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Cures for the Common Hangover
Anyone who’s ever gone on an all night tequila bender knows that there is no cure for a hangover, much like there’s no cure for the embarrassment you’ll feel after reading the text messages you sent out in a drunken haze. Nonetheless, Time Magazine felt the need to write an article on the top ten methods for morning after relief. Spoiler Alert: Most of them are crap. Let’s review…
Water So...
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Tales from the Dark Side: Thumbelina's Seduction
I’ve been feeling a bit under the weather and, as such, spent the entire weekend in bed. While the sleep was awesome, it didn’t exactly lend itself to creative stories of my sordid adventures. (Unless we’re counting dreams, in which case I have a shit ton to talk about. Nyquil is the bomb y’all.) So today, I will be regaling you with a little gem from one of my partners in crime. We shall call...
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Weekly Rundown
Natalie Portman is pregnant. I am not. Woohoo! Beer me. (Socialitelife)
Jake Gyllenhaal and T Swift broke up. Also known as: Their promotional tours ended. (E!)
A self proclaimed “pick up artist” shot a girl in the face when she rejected him. She’s in critical condition and my belief that negging is for psychopaths is reaffirmed.(KTVZ)
I met two new...
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A Guy's Girl
I’m feeling particularly exhausted today, which probably isn’t at all due to yesterday’s late night Guinness and trivia session. It did make for interesting conversation, though, when at some point during this impromptu venture into a tiny, unnamed pub I was referred to by a fellow patron as a “guy’s girl.” While I’m not entirely sure what this means, I’m fairly certain it has something to do...
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The Dreaded Ex
We’ve all been there. You go through a rough break up with someone you’re probably not entirely over because he has great hair or rockin pecs or a huge…. DVD collection. Whatever the case may be, you inevitably end things with the hopes that you will never, under any circumstances, encounter this person in a public setting again. And then fate decides...
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Pickup Fail
I was hanging out with my lady friends the other night when one of them mentioned that she had recently met a guy at a bar who proceeded to insult her repeatedly within minutes of introducing himself. Adding to the confusion, he called her for several days after and very clearly stated his interest in taking her out. After tossing a few ideas back and forth, we...
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My New Year's Resolution
I don’t typically partake in the whole New Year’s resolution thing, but a fantastic idea presented itself on Saturday morning over blueberry pancakes and I’d be remiss not to share it. You see, I’ve always wanted to get involved with some sort of charitable cause but have never been quite sure of where to direct my efforts. Deciding it’s best to stick with what I know, I believe I have found...
December 2010
16 posts
3 tags
Weekly Rundown: New Year's Eve Edition
In today’s breaking news…
I have a hangover And people are coming over to my house in 4 hours to get ready for New Year’s. No good can come from this.
Called it quits with the boy from Wednesday’s post after four dates This makes it the second longest relationship I’ve had all year. The “breakup” involved laying in bed...
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How To: Have a Pre-New Year's Celebration
New Year’s Eve is tomorrow and that means for most of us lucky SOB’s, the weekend begins today. And since you’ve basically been given a free pass for a Friday morning hangover, there is absolutely nothing stopping you from partaking in the fine art of boozing it up. So gather up your besties, pile everybody into a cab (no DUI’s please!), and execute this...
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A Dating Dilemma
You know that feeling you get when you first start seeing someone that you actually like? The one where your stomach feels all fluttery and your breathing gets weird and you begin to seriously question whether or not you might be having a heart attack? Yeah, I hate it. I know there are people out there who relish this stage of a relationship but I honestly cannot think of a feeling I like...
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Home for the Holidays
In some random movie I watched over the weekend I heard an actor say the line, “You can’t go home again”. I initially found this to be confusing because, you know, free will still exists and the government doesn’t often make a habit of exiling people anymore. But after spending several days in my hometown for the holidays I’ve found it is actually an uncannily accurate statement...
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Merry Christmas
I’m visiting family for the rest of the week so posts will continue to be MIA. I’ll be back on schedule Monday. Until then, kiddos. May all your stockings be filled with rainbows and high quality vodka.
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Getting Old Sucks
Well kids, I am a liar. I had every intention of putting up a new post on Monday but I was abducted by a pack of rabid alcoholics and force fed beer and tequila for two days straight. Completely against my will, of course.
The reason, you ask? My birthday. The unfortunate event finally occurred after having held me in its grasp of impending doom for the last several...
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Weekly Rundown
Let’s sum up the week as quickly as possible so we can start the weekend drinking ritual.
Miley Cyrus smoked a bong Anyone who’s ever been to a dorm party shrugs their shoulders. (TMZ)
Everyone in Hollywood is getting a divorce This includes Dexter and his sister as well as too-pretty-to-live couple Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson. (Hollywood Reporter)
Jake Gyllenhaal...
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An Exercise in Futility: Dating a Musician
So I was reading this poll over at The Gloss today about whether it’s worse to date an actor or a musician. While I can’t personally testify to the downfalls of dating the former, I have had a fair share of experience with the musically inclined. And yes, for the most part they make awful boyfriends. We can all agree that they’re generally self-centered,...
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You Were So Pretty Until You Opened Your Mouth
So I’m at work the other day, mindlessly scanning blogs and pretending to look busy when the door swings open. In strolls a rather well dressed, good looking guy who apparently has a meeting with the head honcho. It’s worth noting at this point that the majority of employees at this particular office are women… women who turned into raving lunatics the moment this dude walked...
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How To: Spend a Day in Vegas
Ahhh… Las Vegas. Home to nearly 2 million people and frequented by an innumerable amount of drunken tourists. You’ve more than likely made a point of losing your dignity in Sin City at least once, but if you’re one of the unfortunate few who haven’t, here’s how to do it right.
2 pm Arrive at airport. Collect luggage and say a quick thanks to the travel gods for...
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Top 5 Guilty Pleasures
The CW Network Most of the shows on the CW are targeted towards the teen set and revolve around angsty high school kids and supernatural creatures. I am none of these things, but come 8 pm I cannot help but park myself on my giant IKEA sofa and wait with baited breath for the next ridiculous plot twist to unfold. Crazy Christian cheerleader with a knocked up sister? Awesome. Vampire...
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I'm Just Not that Into You
We’ve all been there. You meet a cute guy/girl, share a couple of meals, and have some mediocre sex before coming to the inevitable conclusion that you’re really not interested. For most, the next logical step is to feign a terminal illness or move to a distant city in hopes of never encountering an awkward street corner conversation with this person again....
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Nice Guys DON'T Finish Last
The old adage that nice guys finish last gets thrown around too much for my liking. I happen to know plenty of women, myself included, who would like nothing more than to come across a cool guy that doesn’t treat them like shit. While it seems like a concept one would encounter on a semi-regular basis, this really isn’t the case. Why? Because, my little kumquats,...
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Dating: A Guide for Men
Like most things, dating has changed a lot in the last 100 years or so. In most respects this is a fantastic thing. For example, my father has never attempted to give me away to some random guy in exchange for land and livestock. At least as far as I know. However, I can’t help but think that this revelation has left the keepers of the Y chromosome a bit confused on how to...
