Obvious Observations

And Yet I Regret Nothing

Did your mother ever tell you that one day you would have a child that acted just like you? That it would be the universe’s way of paying you back for being a little shit all through adolescence and beyond? Mine did. And now that I’m approaching an age where it wouldn’t be completely irresponsible for me to summon up a little parasite of my very own, I’ve started to worry that this may be true.

I was not an angel growing up. Shocking, I know. My mother frequently finds occasion to remind me of that one time I broke into a sports stadium with my best friend and a group of genuine, big belt buckle toting, hat wearing cowboys - just to see what a bull looks like up close and personal without a rope tied around its beef stick. Or that time when I came home at 6 am after attempting to drink my body weight in cheap vodka whilst throwing a spontaneous dance party to the epic musical stylings of the Backstreet Boys on an abandoned road in the middle of nowhere. We won’t even bring up the incident where I disappeared to LA for a week, taking up with a bartender/guitarist and crashing a number of media events that I was not, in fact, “on the list” for.

So if this little anecdote proves to be true, I’m screwed. I just hope that my future spawn is creative enough to at least come up with something I haven’t tried before.

Image courtesy of: Ms Jia

If You’re Still Paying Attention…

….Thanks. You rock.

I’ve been completely slack on updating lately, for a number of reasons. Namely:

1. Things have picked up at work and I’ve had less time to peruse the internet for pay
2. I have a shiny, new boyfriend that occupies the vast majority of my attention
3. It was nice outside and I wanted to chill out and drink a beer

But fear not, I haven’t completely abandoned this site. I’ve spent a few weeks debating with myself on how to revamp my approach to make it fit into my schedule and have finally reached a decision. In the future, look forward to the same snark, but served in shorter doses and with a touch more personal anecdotes on the side.

I’m looking forward to catching up with all you bitches. Until next time…

Image courtesy of: Natalie Dee

Weekly Rundown

     

It’s Friday afternoon and I’m knee deep in margaritas and cabana boys. They’re pretty cute but, quite frankly, not much for conversation. I suppose I’ll make do. Let’s take a look at what’s been going on this past week, shall we?

The House voted to defund Planned Parenthood.
Way to go asshats. Let’s start denying sex education in hopes that people will just stop doing it altogether. That should work. Or, you know, not. Show PP some love and sign their petition. (Planned Parenthood)

James Franco wants me to love him.
This picture from Twitter is clearly his attempt to appeal to my ovaries. And it’s totally working. (@jamesfranco)

CBS has canceled the remaining episodes of Two and a Half Men.
That’s right Charlie Sheen. Nobody calls Thomas Jefferson a pussy and gets away with it. (Gawker)

The first official trailer for The Hangover: Part II has been released.
Bradley Cooper….yummy. Also, monkeys. (YouTube)

Now I’m going to return my attention to more serious matters. Will it be strawberry or mango margaritas? Ahhh, life’s little conundrums….

Have a happy, drunken weekend!

Image courtesy of: Someecards.com

Attention Awesome People

  

Alright kids. I’ve been under fluorescent lighting all day, my brain is trying to make an escape, and work is piling up at my desk. I’m going to go ahead and put a call to action out there.

I need your stories. Best dates, worst dates, humorous anecdotes, something you’ve noticed about society that irritates the hell out of you. Find that little submit button at the top of the page and fill me in. The person with the best story wins a unicorn made of 14 carat gold and Justin Bieber’s hair scraps.

Image courtesy of: Insidesocal.com

Puppy Love

I often hear women around me lamenting the fact that they don’t currently have a boyfriend. And while it’s certainly natural to miss having a guy around who can carry the groceries to your two story walk-up while you sip a margarita, I don’t think anyone should have to settle for some random loser simply because they’re lonely.

Personally, when I have the urge to snuggle up to something big and warm, I wrap my arms around my siberian husky. Here’s a few reasons why you should consider the benefits of pet ownership over man ownership.

Dogs do not play games with you - except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
They won’t spend all of their time telling you that it’s about “the chase” and then disappear when you take too long to call them back.

Dogs are happy with any movie you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you’re together.
They don’t know the difference between Citizen Kane and The Goonies and are more than happy to let you use them as a furry pillow.

Gorgeous dogs don’t know they’re gorgeous.
While they may be drawn to reflective surfaces in a “Woah! When did that other dog get here?” kind of way, they will not feel the need to use up all your hot water and expensive shampoo every morning.

The worst social disease you can get from a dog is fleas. (OK, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there’s a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
Try curing the clap with a flea bath and let me know how that works out for you.

Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Particularly the ones who smell bad and eat anything you leave laying out.

Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
They see absolutely nothing wrong with that day old bologna and egg sandwich you were just going to throw out.

Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
They sympathize with a need for extra hair in colder months.

Dogs are unlikely to roll over and lose consciousness immediately following intense play.
They’ll even listen to you talk about your feelings after.

Bored at work?: Why Dogs are Better than Men
Image courtesy of: Natalie Dee

Love or Lust?

              

Sorry for the delay in posting. I was on a Four Loko and coke binge that could rival a weekend at Charlie Sheen’s porn haven. In fact, I’m pretty sure I was somewhere around Barstow when the drugs began to take hold….

Oh wait. That never happened. It was actually time for quarterly reviews at work and I was busy trying to look productive. Anywho, I’m back so let’s get down to business.

Differences between LUST and LOVE….

LOVE: You continually make eye contact in a crowded room.
LUST: You continually make face contact in a crowded room.

LOVE: You tolerate The Bachelor because it’s your SO’s favorite show.
LUST: You tolerate The Bachelor because you’ll be getting laid after.

LOVE: You watch a movie together.
LUST: You don’t even notice that there’s a movie playing.

LOVE: You call sex “making love”.
LUST: You call sex “banging”.

LOVE: You text each other in the middle of the afternoon.
LUST: You text each other in the middle of the night.

LOVE: Romance involves remembering your anniversary.
LUST: Romance involves remembering your birth control.

Image courtesy of: Pollsb.com

Update: I am not dead.

Posts will resume as usual on Monday. You may now return to your regularly scheduled martini.

How To: Spend Valentine’s Day

           

If you’re single:

Go on a girl date.
Get your friends together and go through the motions of an actual date without the pesky assumption that you have to put out at the end of the night.

Gorge yourself on chocolates.
Any day that gives you an excuse to eat copious amounts of chocolate should be a day to celebrate, regardless of who you’re with. So go ahead and dig into that fondue pot, chocolate fountain, and heart shaped box of awesome. You deserve it.

Have a horror movie marathon.
There’s nothing quite like watching the fictional massacre of happy couples on a day that forces you to acknowledge how single you are. I recommend My Bloody Valentine. The original is a classic, but the remake has Jenson Ackles and Kerr Smith to provide candy for your eyeballs.

Get drunk.
You never really need an excuse to do this but all of my incredibly scientific research has shown that if you go to a bar on Valentine’s Day alone, lots of dudes will buy you drinks.

Celebrate your singleness.
Being single is nothing to be ashamed of. As a matter of fact, it’s actually completely awesome. You don’t have to schedule your day around anyone else’s plans, you can hang out with your friends every night of the week, and you can hook up with whomever you want. The right person will show up eventually so, in the meantime, enjoy your unattached freedom.

If you’re in a relationship:

Have sex.
That is all.

Image courtesy of: Xkcd.com

Weekly Rundown

                          

Is it just me or has this week seemed way longer than usual?

Mubarak has stepped down as President of Egypt.
Gotta admit, it’s been kind of awesome watching the impact that social media has had on aiding the rebellion. (ABC News)

There’s a collection taking place to raise funds for a Robocop statue in Detroit.
This needs to happen immediately. (Detroit Needs Robocop)

Lady Gaga’s new single was released.
If you had told me this was early 90’s Madonna, I would have believed you. (Huffington Post)

It’s Friday.
Here’s a picture of a fuzzy baby cheetah in a bucket. (Gawker)

Have a fantastic weekend kids. I know I will…..

Image courtesy of: Natalie Dee

Cheaters Suck

          

So I got a text from Thumbelina today telling me about a friend of hers who is causing quite a bit of turmoil on the dating front by simultaneously sleeping with several people while also trying to snag Thumbelina’s new boyfriend.

Now I have absolutely no issues with what people choose to do with their fun parts in their spare time. If you want to sleep with two guys, three chicks, and a mime all at the same time then more power to you. Sex is fun, particularly when everyone involved is safe and well intentioned. My only problem stems from a longstanding belief that you just don’t fuck with other people’s relationships.

I can’t stand people that cheat. It’s a selfish and hurtful act that can easily be avoided if the person who’s tempted to stray would just admit that they’re no longer willing to be in a committed relationship. The sting of finding out your significant other no longer wants to be with you is nothing compared to finding out that they’ve lied to you and broken any trust you once had. Don’t be a cheater.

The “other person” in this scenario is not any less guilty than the cheater. If you willingly become involved with someone whom you know is in a committed relationship, you’re making a conscious decision to hurt another human being. Most likely a human being who doesn’t even know you and has certainly never done anything to hurt you in return. This reeks of a lack of self respect and a total disregard for common decency. Don’t enable a cheater.

And if all of this isn’t enough to sway you from this type of bad behavior just remember, karma’s only a bitch if you are.

Image courtesy of: Someecards.com